Have you ever been embarrassed when the wrapper on a cigar you’ve given to a friend or client began to unpeel as it was being smoked?

Have you ever bought a cigar at a tobacco retailer and, upon arriving home, found that the head cracked with the very slightest pressure from your cigar cutter?

Have you ever burned a hole in a carpet, sweater, shirt, vest, or other garment, because a cigar that was advertised as being all long filler was really short filler?

Have you ever been spoken to discourteously by a fellow worker, a waiter, or passerby because of your cigar?

Have you ever failed to place a bet on a winning horse because you had previously spent too much on a cigar ?

Have you had your teeth cleaned more frequently than you would have otherwise, due to your cigar?

Have you expended money to acquire ashtrays to protect one or more cigar manufacturers from liability should their products damage someone’s personal property?

Have you ever failed to attract a satisfactory number of willing partners to participate in personal and/or sexual relationships because of your cigar usage?

Have you, or anyone in your family, or anyone you have ever known, ever been offended by photographs of naked cigars which are apparently shaped to closely resemble the male sex organ, in cigar advertisements or mail-order catalogues?

If the answer to these or any similarly related questions is yes, then you may be entitled to compensation for the resulting aggravation, discomfort, loss of money, loss of dignity, and/or loss of services occasioned by your unfortunate purchase of a product with serious design flaws. In addition, you may also be entitled to reimbursement for any expenses incurred in traveling to and from your local retailer for the express purpose of acquiring cigars.

Why not call the law firm of Jacobi, Graham and Greedy right now, at 1-800-LAWYERS? Jacobi, Graham and Greedy have successfully defended the rights of thousands of disappointed cigar smokers for over 20 years, and are specialists in cigar-related lawsuits.

Even if you don’t smoke cigars right now, but believe there is a remote possibility that someone may give you a cigar sometime in the future on the occasion of a wedding, bar-mitzvah, or birth, then send for our free, informative booklet on “Cigar Smokers’ Rights, and Cigar Manufacturers’ Lack Thereof.” Then keep the booklet handy and call us the moment you’ve acquired your first cigar. This concise, easy-to-read booklet contains simple instructions that will help ensure the success of your case and could very well lead to significant financial reward.

We strongly suggest your first cigar experience be accompanied by photographs of the product and your usage thereof. For example:

1. Were there any instructions printed on the cigar itself as to its proper usage? A neophyte might very well be confused as to whether the cigar is meant to be smoked or eaten; or about which end to light; or once lit, which end goes in the mouth; or, as in our former President’s case, what the cigar is actually intended to be used for.

2. Were your warned that the improper disposal of a partially smoked cigar could possibly plug up someone’s toilet and result in severe water damage to furniture and carpeting?

3. If your first cigar was wrapped in cedar or sealed in a glass tube, were you warned to remove the cedar or glass tube before attempting to smoke it? And, even more important, was a police officer or any other witness present to verify if you had actually read the warning?

4. If you are a foreign national, was that warning printed in your native tongue?

These are just a few examples of the many helpful hints contained in our 36-page booklet that you can use to ensure a successful lawsuit. The booklet is yours, completely free of charge, and contains excerpts from some of the firm’s more notable cases. Don’t underestimate your rights in this wonderful country of ours, because they are unlimited. Just last month a non-smoking illegal alien with connections to a Libyan terrorist group, received a settlement of well over two million dollars by contacting the firm of Jacobi, Graham and Greedy.

This unfortunate gentleman hailed a taxi in which the driver was smoking a nationally known premium cigar (the name must be withheld as part of the settlement terms), and complained to the driver that smoking was an affront to his religion. While the driver courteously complied with the illegal alien’s request and extinguished his cigar, the traffic light turned from green to red. This momentary delay caused by the offending cigar resulted in the passenger being several minutes late to an important fire bombing. In the interim, and acting on an anonymous last second-tip, the New York City police were at the scene of the intended bombing, and promptly arrested the poor fellow before he got to throw a single Molotov Cocktail.

The firm of Jacobi, Graham and Greedy demonstrated that the moments lost in the extinguishing of the taxi driver’s cigar clearly caused their client’s arrest and subsequent sentencing to 30 years in the slammer. Based on the fact that their client had been earning approximately $20,000 a year and would now be going to prison for 30 years, the client would be losing an aggregate of $600,000 during his incarceration. Furthermore, since the client was an illegal alien and therefore worked “off the books” for cash, the client had never been subject to any form of taxation. Therefore since the client would be receiving the settlement in the form of a fully taxable check, it would now be necessary for the client to receive a payment of over $1 million in order to net out an equivalent $600,000 after taxes.

In addition, since Jacobi, Graham and Greedy took the case on a contingency basis, they were entitled to an amount equal to that of their client. This raised the total payout by the cigar manufacturer to well over two million dollars, given the accumulated interest since the date of the client’s arrest and subsequent incarceration.

There are many other thrilling success stories in the free booklet, “Cigar Smokers’ Rights, and Cigar Manufacturers’ Lack Thereof.” All it takes is a call or a letter to get your copy.

Don’t delay. Call 1-800-Lawyers. Operators are standing by to receive your complaint, no matter how trivial. Act now during our Millennium Sale and receive a free bonus coupon worth $100 off your next settlement.

If you have access to the internet, visit our web site at www. paythruthenose.com to download your free bonus coupon.

P.S. If you know anyone who’s had laser eye surgery but still can’t read a New York City street sign from any point west of the Mississippi River, or anyone who has commenced taking Ginko Biloba to enhance their memory but forgotten to take their pill on any given day, or anyone who has bought a Solo-Flex, Nautilus, Ab-Doer, or other exercise device and failed to look like any of the people in the exercise commercials.... give us a call. You may be entitled to compensation for any and all unfortunate purchases of products or services with serious design flaws. Satisfied clients of Jacobi, Graham and Greedy swear by the services they receive and come back, time after time.

Jacobi, Graham and Greedy is a fully licensed professional corporation registered with the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture. See our advertisements on matchbook covers nationwide.

- Lew Rothman