Spring 98 Volume III Issue 2

by Lew Rothman

I've got a few questions about these Limited Edition cigars: If these cigars are so rare and so hard to get, how come so much money is being spent to advertise them? Shouldn't cigar manufacturers be able to sell every single one of these rare cigars without advertising at all? Heck, I've been in many shops that actually have some of these brands in stock, but are limiting consumers to purchases of just two or three cigars, or a single box, at most.

Now, all you people know which cigars I'm talking about. They're the ones I collectively call the Cocaine Brands. These cigars are far more difficult to find than cocaine, and consequently, cost a lot more than cocaine. In fact, regular users of these brands routinely pay far in excess of manufacturers' suggested prices, and quietly make their purchases through clandestine cigar scalpers in faraway places with strange sounding names, like Cleveland and Altoona.

I'm guessing that the reason for the shortage of these elite cigars is that there must be a big problem making all the fancy boxes that these cigars are packed in, because how hard could it be to make a $10 or $20 cigar? All you need is some vintage wrapper, which I assume must now be in plentiful supply, since everyone in the cigar manufacturing business seems to be discovering wrappers that are 10 or 20 years old, that were inadvertently left in long-forgotten warehouses. Let's face it, your run-of-the-mill, plain Jane, ordinary hallucinogenic drugs just come in plain old plastic zipper bags. But not these cocaine cigar brands, not hardly. All of these cigars are packed in boxes that are almost pieces of furniture and, in fact, the cost of making the boxes probably exceeds the cost of making the cigars. The image of luxury that these ornate boxes convey is critically important when you are trying to sell a box of 20 or 30 cigars for the same price as a 27 inch Sony Trinitron. As a result, the luxury cigar field has become more and more sophisticated in its packaging, the evidence of which can be easily seen upon walking into any upscale tobacco retailer.

All the really hard-to-find cigars have multiple cigar bands to indicate the brand name, the vintage year, and the jungle in which the tobaccos were cultivated. Some of the brands even sport incredibly ornate gold encrusted bands, which are so large that several municipal fire departments around Biloxi, Mississippi, have issued a warning cautioning upscale smokers about the possibility of half-smoked premium cigars erupting in flames.

It is no mere coincidence that within 48 hours of the Biloxi warning, one cigar manufacturer issued a news release to the effect that all super-luxury cigars, regardless of origin, should only be smoked when wearing his genuine brand name helmets and fire-retardant clothing.

As a result, and not to be outdone in seizing a perceived opportunity, all the other manufacturers of rare cigars have leaped into the cigar accessory business with gusto. As we speak (or, as I write and you read) these same manufacturers are stocked up to their coronas with coats, shirts, hats, humidors, ashtrays, smoking jackets and yes, even leather sofas and chairs, emblazoned with their famous luxury cigar names.

Another question that I just can't seem to get out of my mind really relates to the supposed legitimacy of these limited-edition brands. Now, far be it from me to question the integrity of certain cigar manufacturers, but what I am about to say is far from being a secret: Everyone knows that, throughout recorded history, the finest handmade cigars have always been rolled on the thighs of virgins. This is an unwritten axiom in the making of a truly great cigar brand: No virgins, No great cigars.

Believe me when I tell you this, because it is the absolute truth. You could ask any of the legendary cigar makers - Frank Llaneza, Benji Menendez, Carlos Fuente, Juan Bermejo, Manuel Quesada - and they'll tell you that the shortage of vintage tobacco in the cigar industry is kid stuff compared to the horrendous shortage of virgins.

Hey, this is not a joke. I'll tell you what - just take a break from reading my column for a few minutes (I gotta go pick up my two sons, Shane and Luke; today, fathers aren't role models, they're chauffeurs), and thumb through the cigar ads in this magazine. Then you tell me: Do any of the women in these cigar advertisements look like virgins to you?

You can take this to the bank: those women are definitely not real virgin cigar makers, they're just a whole bunch of impostors. I've been in just about every cigar factory on the planet, and I've never seen any of those women working there.

I sincerely believe that, unless a new source can be found to supply the industry with a steady supply of genuine virgins, we are going to see an ever-increasing number of Faux-entes and Mock-anudos invading the shelves of tobacco retailers everywhere. The demand for these Cocaine Brands, and the lengths that users will go to acquire these cigars at any price, is such that there is now actual proof that counterfeit cigars made by used women are being sold surreptitiously by tobacco retailers across the nation. Caveat Emptor (let the buyer beware).

Recently, it was my distinct privilege to have been selected to serve on a panel composed of the cigar industry's most knowledgeable people. The purpose of the panel was to devise a method by which the legitimate luxury cigars could be easily differentiated from their crude imitators. As a result of this extraordinary meeting, I am sure that, by the end of 1998, cigar smokers everywhere will have nothing to fear regarding the legitimacy of their high-priced luxury smokes. Commencing immediately, all the members of the Cigar Association (General, Swisher, Consolidated, JR, MATASA, etc.) will be installing little yellow buttons (licensed from the Butterball turkey people) in the heads of all their cigars. Merely place your luxury cigars in a preheated 400 degree oven for 45 minutes. If the button pops out, then you'll know you've got the real McCoy.

As a final note, I would like to take the opportunity to announce that I am now ready to begin marketing my own fabulously expensive Cocaine Cigar. It is called AANOE (an acronym for: Available Almost Nowhere On Earth) The AANOE cigar will only be sold by seven select retailers (one on each continent) and through the Democratic National Committee (for use in the Lincoln Bedroom). These incredibly rare and expensive cigars will be made from any tobacco I happen to find lying around, and then carefully rolled, over and over and over, on the thighs of the ladies you saw in this magazine. After all, I am an equal opportunity employer. I've got a feeling that this brand is gonna be a big winner.