Spring 98 Volume III Issue 2

You work Hard. And after taking a look at your paycheck, you want to drown your sorrows with a cigar. Unfortunately, once you're done paying for the important stuff like food and rent, there's not much left for the beloved hobby. And even then, after you're done buying humidor, cutter, lighter, case, and Cohiba baseball cap, there's barely anything left over for the cigars themselves. So how do you manage to enjoy this wonderful hobby on a budget? Well, there are two ways. The following dialogue will compare and contrast these clashing ideologies. And if you're very lucky and pay close attention, you won't end up as confused as we did by the end.

Jay: I think that even though you're on budget, you still can treat yourself to the very best. Just cut corners elsewhere.
Dan: I think there's plenty of quality to be found in the more modest price range.
Jay: I don't object to moderately priced cigars. But I do object to putting a $0.10 cigar in a $400 humidor.
Dan: Then do what I do for a humidor.
Jay: What?! The shoebox with the damp sponge? That's not a humidor, that's a science experiment.
Dan: Meanwhile, because of the dent that your $400 humidor put in your budget, you won't be able to buy socks for three years.Look, I'm all for buying a special cigar for a special occasion...
Jay: Yes, that's exactly how I feel!
Dan: Yeah, but your problem is, you think Wednesday is a special occasion.
Jay: Well, it is hump day.
Dan: I like an expensive cigar every now and then, too. But when you're living on a budget, You have to go for a less expensive cigar.
Jay: Yeah, but you always take it too far. You bought a box of cigars for three dollars.
Dan: Well, I got more bang for my buck.
Jay: You sure did. You smoked one of those things, you couldn't get the taste out of your mouth for three weeks.
Dan: (WISTFULLY) Ah, the gift that kept on giving. Besides, you know what I say, less is more.
Jay: With you, less is everything!
Dan: Look, there's one way to settle this thing.
Jay: A fight to our bloody deaths?
Dan: Okay, two ways. No, we'll go to the cigar store.
Jay: Oh, I get it! We'll go there and I'll show you the joys of expensive cigars.
Dan: Well, no, the idea was that I was going to show you how to enjoy the more moderately priced cigars.
Jay: Good, then we're agreed. Let's go.

We arrive at the cigar store...

Dan: Look at you. You headed right over to the expensive section without even looking at the prices. It's like they have a gravitational pull.
Jay: It's like that cartoon where the smoke from the steak actually pulls the character by his nostrils.

Jay picks up a cigar.

Dan: Hey! Put that down. It costs a fortune!
Jay: Look at this. It's exquisitely constructed. And it's supple to the touch.
Dan: So's Carmen Electra. What's your point?
Jay: This is a great cigar. You get what you pay for.
Dan: Great. You can either buy that cigar or put a down payment on a house. It's your choice.
Jay: And I suppose you can do better?
Dan: As a matter of fact, I can. If you'll just walk this way ...
Jay: Where are we going?
Dan: This is the more moderately priced section.
Jay: Moderately priced is one thing, under 50 cents is another!
Dan: Here, try this. It's not going to cost you an arm and a leg. What's wrong with this?
Jay: Well, for one thing, the "Made in Albania" sticker.
Dan: Don't be a smart alec.
Jay: Don't point that thing at me. Put it away.
Dan: Make me.

At this point, fisticuffs break out, and the proprietor of the establishment kindly asks us, at the top of his lungs, to leave. We then hang our heads in shame as we go home.

Jay: That was the most embarrassing experience of my life.
Dan: What? Getting thrown out of a cigar shop?
Jay: No, when the manager walked in, he caught me holding the cheap cigar.
Dan: Well, I guess you'll need an ice pack for your bruised ego.
Jay: Okay, that's it, you little jerk!
Dan: Hold on, there's another cigar store nearby. We'll go there.

So we go to the other cigar store.

Dan: Okay. We're each going in there, and I'm going to buy one that's more expensive than I usually buy.
Jay: And I'm going to buy a cigar that's cheaper than what I usually buy?
Dan: Yes, and would you mind unclenching your teeth when you say that?

So We've both go into the humidor room and continue our search for our cigar of compromise. After a few minutes, we emerge ... victorious.

Jay: How much did you pay for your cigar?
Dan: Five bucks. What about you? You going to have to take out a bank loan?
Jay: No. Mine also cost five dollars. Now let's go reap the benefits of our hard labor and smoke these.

So we go home and light up.

Dan: You know, this is pretty good.
Jay: Yeah, so's mine. There is something to be said about going against one's deepest convictions and making a compromise.
Dan: Sure, we broke out into fisticuffs, got banned from a cigar store, and said unspeakable things to each other, but we've learned something.
Jay: What's that, Dan?
Dan: Well, don't you think that, with our extreme views, the truth lies somewhere in the middle?
Dan & Jay: Nahh.