Summer 96 Volume II Issue 3

Circle the correct answer:

1. Which costs more?
a. Macanudo Vintage #1
b. Dunhill Diamamte
c. Toyota Land Cruiser

2. What classifies a cigar as "super premium?"
a. The manufacturer
b. The price
c. The Pope

3. Why is there such a shortage of premium cigars?
a. The manufacturers are taking too long for lunch.
b. The manufacturers are "out to lunch."
c. It's a communist conspiracy.

4. In Cigar Aficionado ratings, what does a "short finish" mean?
a. The smoker is finished before the cigar.
b. The cigar smells like a pair of shorts.
c. The rating is finished before the cigar is smoked.

5. In SMOKE magazine, what does a short finish mean?
a. The rating was copied from Cigar Aficionado.
b. The cigar took a long time to finish.
c. The panelist had to finish the cigar before his mommy came home.

6. Cigars were being made prior to the arrival of Columbus in 1492. Why did it take 400 years for cigar manufacturers to figure out how to make a $10 cigar?
a. They needed time to test the tobacco blend.
b. They needed 400 years to age the tobaccos.
c. They needed a $10 cigar customer.

7. What is the key ingredient in a $10 cigar?
a. 50-year-old brandy
b. 60-year-old Japanese herbs
c. Meat by-products

8. What's the difference between a $2,000 humidor from France and a $400 humidor from anywhere else?
a. $1,600
b. $1,600
c. $1,600

9. Which is the better wrapper?
a. Reynolds
b. Saran
c. Sumatra

10. What is most responsible for the initial taste of a cigar?
a. The wrapper
b. The last meal the cigar maker had
c. The last thing the cigar maker scratched

11. Why is a certain cigar manufacturer always smiling in every picture?
a. The corners of his month were removed in radical surgery in 1992.
b. His cigars are, selling like hot cakes.
c. He's peeking up somebody's dress.

12. Why do the names of so many cigars start with the word "Don"?
a. The origins of most cigar names are Spanish in origin: "Don be touchin' my cigarros, man."
b. The first cigarmaker was named Wolfgang Muehelenschlager, but he thought his cigars would sell better if he shortened his name to "Don Muehelenschlager.
c. Muehelenschlager's cigars were such a big hit, that other manufacturers copied him.

13. Who made the first Culebra?
a. Menendez and Garcia
b. Crosby, Stills and Nash
c. Lassie

14. What is the cleanest way to light a cigar?
a. Carefully touch the tip of the cigar to the surface of the sun.
b. Focus the sun's rays on the cigar tip with a magnifying glass.
c. Insert the cigar into the observation hole of your barbecue grill and gently puff.

15. Why do Europeans bake their cigars?
a. Because frying ruins the wrapper.
b. Because toasting makes the edges all crinkly.
c. Because there's a shortage of microwave ovens in Europe.

16. What's the difference between a $2 cigar smoker, and a $10 cigar smoker?
a. $8.00
b. Several children and a mortgage.
c. A brain

Now, you're probably wondering, "what on earth does the length of Muehelenschlager's name have to do with the premium cigar business?" Well, the answer is: absolutely nothing. The truth of the matter is that I clean forgot about writing this column 'til the very last moment, and I was just trying to fill up a little extra space so the people at SMOKE wouldn't have this great big hole in their magazine...

I think I'm about 5 or 600 words short, but my favorite show, "Xena Warrior Princess," is about to start and I gotta go. You've got my permission to just doodle in the empty space, if there is any....