When I was a kid, I used to play Monopoly with my older brother, and he always cheated. Anytime I went to the bathroom, he would steal money or put extra houses on Marvin Gardens and Ventnor and Atlantic Avenues; somehow he always seemed to own those coveted yellow properties, and I always landed on them. I, on the other hand, always seemed to end up with the cheap, light-blue properties and the railroads, which he never, ever landed on. Well, even though I was a lot younger than him, I was no dummy. I knew he was cheating, so I stole plenty of money, too ! In fact, I wonder to this very day how the question never occurred to him that if I always landed on his properties and he never landed on mine, how is it I never ran out of money? Since we were both cheating, the average monopoly game between the two of us usually took about six months to complete, and we always ran out of Monopoly money so we just cut up some paper and made cheap-lookin’, fake Monopoly money. It occurs to me only now, that if color copiers had been invented way back then, we could’ve made some really genuine-looking Monopoly money. Yeah, sure, I know - the Parker Bros. Game Company might not have liked it if we started printing our own Monopoly money, but do ya really think they would’ve sued a couple of kids for trademark violations? Come to think of it, maybe we should’ve sued them for not including enough Monopoly money in the game to begin with. After all, how cheap can you be when you short customers on fake money?

Well, back to the subject of counterfeit Cuban cigars. There have been countless articles written about the staggering variety and quantity of fake Cohibas, Montecristos, Bolivars, and Romeo y Julietas being sold to Americans overseas or through the mail, from places like Australia and New Zealand, where fake boxes of counterfeit Cubans are as numerous as sheep (and sometimes smell like them, too). So, just as a casual observer, it seems to me like it’s high time someone in the cigar business took a stand and made some kind of bold initiative to protect honest, decent, hard-working Americans who are getting ripped off right and left damn near every time they try to smuggle a few boxes of Havanas into this country. It’s an outrage, and somebody’s gotta put a stop to this right now.

That’s why I’ve decided to start the Genuine Counterfeit Cuban Cigar Company, Inc. as soon as I finish writing this column. As a cigar smoker myself, I know that people everywhere would rest a lot easier if there was at least one surefire source where they could obtain genuine counterfeit Cuban cigars without the hassle of checking box codes and cigar ring band colors to ascertain if their counterfeit cigars were really genuine or just some cheap fakes. Once I get this thing going from just an idea to an actual business, Americans will never have to worry about being hoodwinked again, or have to pay outrageously high prices for bogus counterfeit Cubans. In fact I’ll stake my reputation in this business with an ironclad guarantee: when you buy from me, you’ll get 100% genuine counterfeit Cuban cigars or you get your money back with no questions asked. Could you possibly ask anybody for a fairer deal that that? Think about it, and try to be really truthful with yourself: aren’t you sick and tired of paying high prices for fake cigars with fake cigar bands, in fake boxes? Aren’t you tired of seeing rivers of U.S. money pouring into the overseas accounts of a bunch people openly trading with the commies?

Well, all that’s about to come to a screeching halt! Soon you’ll be able to buy genuine counterfeit Cubans from a guy you can really trust: ME! You’ll take your pick of Cuba’s most prestigious brands and rarest vitolas, Prominentes, Belicosos, Double Coronas. You name the brand and the size, and you get it the next day by Fed Ex with no customs hassles, no seizures, and best of all, no doubts of authenticity. Every cigar we sell will bear a genuine counterfeit Cuban cigar band that is far superior to any of those fakes that are all over the place. Additionally, you’ll get a professionally made counterfeit Cuban cigar box that is manufactured to the most rigid specifications and bears a genuine counterfeit Cuban government warranty, not some cheap imitation.

Over the years I’ve spoken at many cigar dinners, charity events, and other cigar functions, and I’ve met thousands of cigar smokers from all over the country. Therefore, I’m sure that there are a considerable number of people reading this column that have spoken to me in person and know that, when it comes to cigars, I never joke around. The cigar business is serious business, and when you make a mistake, smokers never forgive and never forget. The product you advertise has got to be the very same product that eventually lands in the hands of the cigar-smoking public. So the following statements are the absolute, Scout’s Honor, 100% truth. Prior to writing this column and deciding to do something bold about protecting American smokers everywhere from the heartbreak of purchasing fraudulent counterfeit Cubans, I journeyed to both Nicaragua and Honduras. In fact, I only returned 24 hours prior to writing this column. While there, I spent five grueling days watching and evaluating well over 1000 cigar rollers in six different factories in an attempt to select those cigarmakers who really looked the most like genuine Cubans! That’s the kind of guy I am. When I do something, I go all the way, ‘cause nuthin’s too good for the American public.

Well, I know this month’s column is a little short on words, but I gotta get back to stamping those genuine “Totalmente Hecho a Mano” labels on the bottom of these boxes before they go into the aging room for a full 24 hours prior to shipping. Hasta la vista,

Su amigo, Lew

- Lew Rothman