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Fall 98 Volume III Issue 4 |
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Fall 98 Volume III Issue 4 |
Columbus arrived in the New World right around 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on Monday, October 12,1492. There he found the local inhabitants lounging outside their huts after a grueling day of thumb wrestling, stringing colored seashells, and filleting carp. Much to his astonishment, these locals (let's just call them the Americans, since Columbus' group were mostly Spaniards) were sitting around sucking on some kind of weird "smoke tubes" and gazing at the lazy trails of blue smoke they emitted drift skyward.
Now, it's important to remember that, back in 1492, there wasn't a single topless joint in the entire New World, nor would Monday Night Football be invented for another 450 years. Therefore, Columbus' crew had absolutely nothing to do to kill the rest of the evening, so they began to trade things to the Americans in return for these "smoke tubes," which looked somewhat like a cross between a Fuente Fuente OpusX and the reproductive organ of an overly excited Brahman bull. The bartering was brisk and heated, with much gesticulating, but even Columbus traded two pints of Johnny Walker Black and some trinkets for fifty "smoke tubes" and a first-round draft choice in 1493.
Well, to make a long story short, the Spaniards really got into smoke sucking in a big way and determined to barter for a whole boatload of "smoke tubes" to take home.
As the Santa Maria's log records, the negotiations went as follows: Columbus: "Me amigos likum smokum muy bueno y quiero takum home mucho smoke tubes. Me tradum you two packs of Goobers y una shiny brass urinal for 10,000 tubes." The Chief: "Huppum yours, me not born yesterday, you puta." (The Chief was picking up Spanish very quickly) Columbus: "Do ju know who ju are espeeking to? Estoy Christoforo Columbus, El Rey del Exploradores del Mundo, so uppum yours too, you sumvabitch."
Finally a deal was struck. Columbus received only 5,000 smoke tubes, which by now had become known as "Huppums," in return for the two packs of Goobers, two Columbus crewmen named Menendez and Garcia, and, of course, the brass urinal.
For the next 470 years or so, nothing much happened of any significance in the cigar industry. Menendez and Garcia peacefully ran the smoke tube factory, making the Huppums or Hupmann's, and selling them to wayward conquistadors, and later to various dictators, politicians, and other affluent swine. Then, around 1960, a guy dressed in Army clothes came into the Huppum smoke tube factory, ostensibly to buy some cigars. Menendez recognized him right off the bat and said, "Hey, ard ju Fidel Castro? De guy who gonna free all de peeples of Cooba frun de steenkin' jankee imperials?"
Castro replied: "Jess, dass right - an I gonna free ju frun habbing to cun heer erry day. I an takin' over dis place, plus ju home, ju farm, an if ju ain carefu ... ju momma."
As soon as Castro left, Menendez and Garcia looked at each other and said: "Uppum his," and decided to return to Spain, specifically the Canary Islands, to make smoke tubes (which were by now called cigars) ... and guess what happened? People actually liked the new smoke tubes they made in Spain just as much as the ones they had been making in the New World. This launched a whole new age of discovery in the cigar industry. Two fellows named Llaneza and Oliva discovered a secret country called Honduras, then a guy named Camacho discovered a place right next door called Nicaragua, and a fellow named Cifuentes discovered the island of Jamaica ... and during the next 30 years, cigars with strange sounding names like Macanudo, Mocambo, and Momotumbo began to be produced in countries throughout the Caribbean.
Then came five rapid-fire events that would change the cigar industry forever:
Event Number 1:
"No Smoking" laws were enacted in the 1980s by local, state and federallv appointed swine with nothing better to do with their time, thus giving rise to the need for little cigars with shorter durations. Given the cost of today's premium cigars, a person of normal finances must determine how long he or she has time to smoke before entering "no smoking areas," such as the State of California. As a result, mini-cigars like the Macanudo Ascot, Upmann Aperitif, and Rey del Mundo Cafe Au Lait were invented.
Event Number 2:
In 1992 came the most incredible discovery of all: A really smart cigar merchant named X, or was it Y? invented the $10 cigar. I can't quite remember, but let's call the merchant XY.
It was a miserable fall day and raining like hell, when a very well-dressed young man named Finchley Quentin Carruthers III walked into Mr. XY's store. Mr. XY and one of his employees, a fellow named Ozzie, were just standing around at the counter ...
Mr. XY: "Oy! Mr. Carruthers. Vat are you, crrrazy, vawking arrround in deh rrain like dis? ... You'll catch your death of coldt. If your dear departed mother, she should rest in peace, knew you verr out today, she vould turn over in her grrave ... Here, let me get you a $40 cup of Mr. XY's Special Tea to warm you up a little..."
Mr. Carruthers: "Very good of you to do me that service, Mr. XY. I am quite chilled." Mr. XY: Vayt just a moment, undt let me put a bissel of Mr. XY's private reserve $200 schnapps in de tea to help take away deh chill even a little bettah."
Mr. Carruthers (after drinking his tea): "Mr XY, I need your help and advice. I'm having a few people to dinner at my chateau this evening and I need your finest cigars."
Mr. XY: "Ah! Zen zees are ze vurms for you ... Mr. XY's Superiore Especiale Sublime Corona Extraordinaire avec Fleur de Lis ... and zey are on sale for our rrainy day special - only $9 apiece."
Mr. Carruthers: "Yes. Mr. XY, these cigars are quite nice, but isn't there something even better? My guests expect and deserve only the finest that money can buy."
With that, Mr. XY crouches down behind the counter and tugs on the pants leg of Ozzie, who now bends down behind the counter as well. Mr. XY says, "Ozzie, this guy is a live one. Go get a couple of dusty boxes outta the back room and we'll do the vintage routine."
Ozzie: "Whatta ya wanna charge him, Mr. XY?"
Mr. XY: "Let's go for da whole enchilada this time, Ozzie ... 23 bucks a pop!!!"
Now Mr. XY stands up again: Mr. XY. "Mr. Carruthers, ehh, how many cigars vill you need for tonight?
Mr. Carruthers: "About 40 cigars should do nicely."
Mr. XY: "Sank zeh Lord, because zees are zeh only 50 cigars I haff left. I vuz saving zem for zeh Prince of Vales, but since you braved zeh vether to visit my shop in ziss rrain, zay are yours for zeh same $23 apiece zeh Prince vuz going to pay...
Mr. Carruthers: "Mr. XY, How can I ever thank you enough? You have made me a customer for life."
Event Number 3:
The "Great Handmade Cigar Shortage of the '90s" occurs, and the price of a decent box of cigars begins to exceed the cost of a good used car.
Has anyone ever seen the ad on TV for Prego Spaghetti Sauce? The guy in the ad talks about rich, ripe tomatoes, oregano, herbs, spices ... and a deep voice in the background keeps saying, "It's in there" to every ingredient mentioned. Well, lemme tell you something - and pay real close attention, because this is one of the only actual facts contained in this column - I have personally been in just about every cigar factory on earth, and there is no chocolate, no pepper, no spices, no Romano cheese, THERE'S NO NUTHIN' put in any of these cigars except tobacco. If those guys that rate cigars today taste vegetables and citrus flavors and all the other stuff they're writing about, then I think they're smoking somethin' besides cigars!
Event Number 4:
Premium cigar smokers (mainly affluent men with partially or fully functioning brains, who earn pretty big bucks) eat up this "Cigar Jive" and start deserting the traditional cigar brands, whose quality has withstood the test of time and the judgment of decades of smokers, to try new brands whose quality is judged by testing a single cigar, along with the word of experts of questionable credentials and possibly questionable motives. Incredible as it may seem, these new cigar brands of mysterious origin, inferior content, and questionable workmanship are sold at higher prices than the established cigar brands.
Event No. 5
The public tries all these new brands, and the more they cost, the worse they taste: $10 no-name brands become $5 noname brands ... and then they become no-price-at-all brands, and then you can buy them for about the price of a pack of Goobers.
As the cigar industry enters its sixth century of continuous production, sanity is returning to an industry that has been beleaguered by legislators on the outside and get-rich-quick phonies on the inside. Quality is going up, and prices are coming down. To the remaining manufacturers providing a legitimate product at a legitimate price, I say: "Thanks." To all those phonies who have tried to bilk the cigar smoking public for the last few years, I say: "Huppum yours."
