Winter 98/99 Volume IV Issue 1

by Lew Rothman

Right now, everyone here on earth is talking about how the cigar boom is over and how all the new brands that came about during the last five years "have died and gone to heaven." You know what? They're all 100% right! In fact, that's exactly what my father and I were talking about just last night. My dad ran candy stores and smokeshops all his life. Most of them were open seven days a week from early in the morning till late at night. So while he was alive, he never really had the time to kick off his shoes, relax, and enjoy good handmade cigars at home. Frankly, he knew a lot more about selling cigars than smoking cigars. But, all that's changed.

Since my dad's been dead he's got nuthin' but time on his hands, and so, if you'll excuse the expression, he's become a hell of a cigar smoker in heaven, and quite an authority on the subject. In fact, he's even better than me. Of course, he has one heck of an advantage over me, since he's got access to all the great cigar brands of the past; and the brands of the future as well!

Say! Did you know that there's no embargo on Cuban cigars in heaven? That you can buy 200-year-old Cabanas and 150-year-old Partagas and Rey del Mundo cigars on almost every street comer? It's the truth, so help me.

And, you know all those "Newbie, Don Nobody" brands that never sold worth a dang here on earth? Well, they ain't selling in heaven, either. It just goes to show you that even people with certifiably dead taste buds can tell a trash cigar when they get one. But, I didn't start writing this column to tell you about things you may already know or have guessed. The reason I chose to tell you about last night's conversation with my dad was to give you the real "scoop" on some of the exciting cigars that are going to be made in the future. All this new stuff is already in heaven, and my dad's smoked 'em all and given me his impressions.

First, there's a new La Gloria Cubana Selecion D'Oro which, according to my dad, is already severely back-ordered in heaven due to its golden color and heavenly aroma.

Then there's the Partagas 200th Anniversary cigar (unavailable on earth until 2044). Rumor has it that the same guy (Alphonse Mayer of General Cigar) who found the 18-year-old Cameroon wrapper to put on the Partagas 150th Anniversary cigars, will find some 68-year-old Cameroon wrapper hidden in an abandoned basement in Akron, Ohio, in the year 2043, just in the nick of time to celebrate this event.

A couple of other "keepers" according to Dad, are called Perfecto Garcia and Dunhill Hondurans from a company called Lane Ltd. In fact, last week Ulysses S. Grant came into THE LORD'S Tobacco Shop to buy a box of Perfecto Garcia 1905s, only to find they had sold their last box just moments before his arrival. He was so disappointed that he uttered a four-letter word and went straight to hell. (You gotta watch your language when you're up there ... You make one mistake, and bang - you're gone.)

Dad thinks that, by the time you read this, the Henry Clay Habana2000 (tm) and Montecristo Habana2000 (tm) cigars should be available on earth. He calls these two brands "the cigars with balls." My dad loves powerful cigars, and he says these are as strong as the Cuban Bolivars, and a hell of a lot better made. The Henry Clays are the really tightly square-pressed cigars that were popular before World War II, and the Montecristo wrappers are so oily that they look like you gotta hold 'em with both hands to keep them from slipping.

This Habana2OOO (tm) wrapper is apparently all the rage in heaven. Not only is it on all the new Cuban cigars up there, but it's on all the hot new brands of the 21st century. There are, by the way, no new brands introduced after the 21st century because, in 2088, just 90 years from now, a teeny weeny meteor that no one even notices enters the earth's atmosphere and lands in the alley behind Smith & Wollensky's Steakhouse, on the east side of Manhattan. Upon landing, an itsy bitsy microscopic spore hatches. Within weeks it turns into a 275-pound pus-oozing centipede, capable of sustained speeds of 150 m.p.h.

Unfortunately for the earth's inhabitants, the creature is taken in by a group of environmentalists who apparently have failed to notice its 35 mouths festooned with razor sharp fangs, or the fact that the creature reproduces every half hour. Say, I'm getting way off the topic here, and Dad says I'm not supposed to tell you too much about the future, even though he claims it's impossible to change history ... but maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to leave a note in your last will and testament for your grandkids to keep 15 or 20 giant bug-eating lizards around the house as pets.

So where was I? Oh yeah, the hot new brands of the 21st century. They're all gonna have this new wrapper. It's a hybrid Connecticut and Havana seed wrapper that's got the size, texture, and sheen of shade-grown Connecticut and the rich reddish brown coloration of the Cuban Seed tobaccos. Dad says it tastes like it was grown in heaven, but we all know that there are only a couple of places with the soil and climate to grow this stuff, and they're both here on earth in the fertile river valleys along the Honduras/ Nicaraguan frontier and in the westerly regions of Cuba. It's just a crying shame that, after all the centuries of tobacco experimentation, mankind only discovers this fabulous wrapper a few short years before the arrival of the pus-oozing centipedes.

Good Lord! How can I have this knowledge of mankind's eventual doom and not do anything about it? I gotta break my word to my dad, and write a letter to the President. He's gotta be warned so he can take action! Gee ... I hope he's not interview interns when my letter arrives, 'cause he's gotta pay real close attention to my letter and take action, quick ...

I guess my dad was right. No matter what, you can't change the course of history. Well, what the heck. We've still got 90 years to enjoy these new Habana2OOOTM wrappers, so you might as well spend all your money on them now, before the end comes.