Therefore, as a responsible individual, you should be making some preparations for the coming conflagration that may seriously damage some of the cigars in your humidor, rather than reading what I believe may happen to the cigar business if we should somehow avoid the prophesied apocalypse.

As a columnist for the magazine, I retain a great deal of independence, and am far from being a "stooge" to the wants of the editorial staff. Nevertheless, forecasting the future of the industry does seem like a pretty good idea, and I'm gonna do it... but first I think a few precautions are in order, just in case there is no new year. So here's my advice:

As all of us know, the most part of any cigar is the wrapper. This is the silky smooth, highly elastic piece of tobacco that is responsible for the appearance of the cigar and a great deal of the initial taste as well. Most experts agree that, under ideal conditions, a temperature of 65 to 70 degrees Fahrenheit and a relative humidity of about 70% are necessary to properly preserve these wrapper characteristics. Therefore, when the Earth convulses on January 1, 2000, the expected thermal blasts, with temperatures in excess of two to three thousand degrees, will play havoc with these delicate wrappers, unless your humidor and its precious contents are stored in a proper place away from heat, smoke, molten magma, and the like.

My advice to all of you would be to go to your local tobacco retailer, who is no doubt an expert on the subject, and seek his guidance on proper storage during the trying times to come. In fact, better yet, why not rent one of those little cedar lockers found in most posh smokeshops, and let your tobacconist worry about protecting your precious collection of vintage cigars?

Say! I hate to mention this, but a thought just occurred to me: If you have a paid-up subscription to this or any other magazine that runs beyond the end of the year, you might want to think about getting a refund now, while you can.

Well, I better move onto the topic that the Editor wants before I run out of space. (As you know, most of the space in any magazine is devoted to a advertising. They just use columns like mine to fill in the blank spaces around the ads. That's why you hafta read part of the column here and then find the rest somewhere in the back of the magazine. That way, they can tell a prospective ad buyer, "Look! We put your ad right next to this popular column ... And we only charged you an extra 20% for prime placement!)

Say, I'm getting lost, so let me tell you what I foresee in the year 2000 and beyond:

No. 1: There will be fewer smokeshops that feature a broad variety of handmade cigars. If I had to guess, I would say that the number of smokeshops in the year 2002 will probably be exactly equal to the number there were in 1992 (the year the "cigar boom" began). Coincidentally, I predict that the smokeshops that survive will be the exact same shops that existed before the cigar boom, and all the new shops will be gone.

No. 2: Most smokeshops will commence selling a broad range of frivolous novelty items such as walking sticks, beer mugs, mustache cups, and other trash, in an attempt to augment declining revenues lost to Internet cigar vendors.

No. 3: In order to accommodate these frivolous novelties, smokeshops will hire carpenters to remove all the previously installed little square rental humidors that are basically unrentable anyway.

No. 4: Although tobacco retailers will still be able to sell tobacco products freely to anyone who appears to be over the age of 80, they will still be required to "card" anyone capable of entering their shop without the aid of a walker.

No. 5: Due to increasingly stringent rules regarding second-hand smoke, many affluent cigar smokers will switch from premium cigars such as Opus X, Padron Anniversario, Montecristo, and Macanudo Vintage to heroin, which is not only less stringently regulated, but cheaper as well.

No. 6: Many of the better-financed tobacco retailers will build subterranean chambers beneath their shops, where patrons may rappel down 60 or 70 feet to a luxuriously appointed smoking chamber, complete with oversized leather chairs, to enjoy their purchases.

No. 7: There will be a great deal of consolidation among cigar manufacturers. In fact, as stated in premise No. 1, I believe the number and identity of the cigar manufacturers in 2002 will probably be identical to those that existed in 1992. Certainly anyone presently named Don will no longer be with us, and those not named Don will be in court defending themselves against frivolous class-action lawsuits filed by "lawless lawyers" who cannot make a living by any means other than preying upon weaknesses in the legal system itself.

No. 8: Increasingly heavy taxation in the next millennium will drive the price of tobacco products up so high that either consumption declines dramatically or every tobacco product is purchased illegally. When that occurs, tax revenues will evaporate and, since state and federal governments will have become totally dependent upon tobacco tax revenues by that time, the government will collapse. Then, of course, our armed forces will go unpaid, causing mass desertions and declining military preparedness. This will, without question, inspire the Chinese Communists to launch an all-out thermo-nuclear attack, resulting in the excessive heat that is so damaging to fine cigars, which I warned you about way back at the beginning of this article.

As a final thought, and just in case you never read my column again, have a fantastic New Year's Eve, drink your best wine, smoke your best cigars, be with the ones you love, and appreciate every remaining moment of the 20th century and second Millennium ... 'cause you never know... Best regards.

- Lew Rothman